Sunday, January 28, 2007
i wrote this one day in class when it was extraordinarily cold.
it's worrying 'cause i'm too cold
'cause i feel i'm slowly growing old
and there are still stories i havent told
would i ever be so bold?
before the words turn into gold.
useless, shining mould.
it's been long since the open-eyed kiss
now lying in the wreckage after bliss
it's not much- at least you gave me this
but i'll return it- if you insist.
it's sadistic how i want it to remain
the glorious sadness and the pain
and i want to fall in love again.
i think i did- or maybe it's a lie
to deceive myself so i dont cry
but everytime he doesnt reply
it's as if i'm going to die
and no one's telling me why
it seems like a strange thing to do
i'm falling to pieces to get me through
i want to cry in front of you too
it's a shame if i fall in love with you
-
I was scared, I was scared
Tired and underprepared
But I wait for you
If you go, if you go
Leaving me here on my own
Well I wait for you
i'll leave when i wanna; 6:20 PM
i wrote this one day in class when it was extraordinarily cold.
it's worrying 'cause i'm too cold
'cause i feel i'm slowly growing old
and there are still stories i havent told
would i ever be so bold?
before the words turn into gold.
useless, shining mould.
it's been long since the open-eyed kiss
now lying in the wreckage after bliss
it's not much- at least you gave me this
but i'll return it- if you insist.
it's sadistic how i want it to remain
the glorious sadness and the pain
and i want to fall in love again.
i think i did- or maybe it's a lie
to deceive myself so i dont cry
but everytime he doesnt reply
it's as if i'm going to die
and no one's telling me why
it seems like a strange thing to do
i'm falling to pieces to get me through
i want to cry in front of you too
it's a shame if i fall in love with you
-
I was scared, I was scared
Tired and underprepared
But I wait for you
If you go, if you go
Leaving me here on my own
Well I wait for you
i'll leave when i wanna; 6:20 PM
Saturday, January 13, 2007
had high fever and some weird gastric flu yesterday. basically i felt like throwing up but i didnt have anything to throw up and to cure i had to eat something but then i'll really throw up. Hence i spent the day in bed with a plastic bag. Being emetophobic is tiresome.
You ask if i'm feeling better, but the answer is always no.
So there was one time when i was sitting in the canteen crying cos i was petrified of vomitting, amongst other reasons, and lains almost cried too. cos she was scared i would throw up? that had to be it. How can i begin to describe how thankful i am that elaina foo is here with me? In my sickness and health, in good times and in bad literally- and we go through almost the same stages at the same time. So basically we can be delirously happy, unmoralistic and emo together. i love you laina.
and i can finally explain it. I think you used to love me on some days, some minutes of some days. but what you dont understand is that i love you EVERYDAY, every second.
Sometimes I feel so full of love, it just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see, I give it away so easily
But if I had someone, I would do anything
Never never never let you feel alone
I won't, I won't leave you on your own
Who am I to dream? Dreams are for fools
They let you down
Well I know that it's a wonderful world, but I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well, but I just wanna cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world, from the sky down to the sea
But I can only see when you're here, here with me
And I wish that I could make it better
I'd give anything for you to call me
Maybe just a little letter
Oh it could start again
i'll leave when i wanna; 10:00 AM
had high fever and some weird gastric flu yesterday. basically i felt like throwing up but i didnt have anything to throw up and to cure i had to eat something but then i'll really throw up. Hence i spent the day in bed with a plastic bag. Being emetophobic is tiresome.
You ask if i'm feeling better, but the answer is always no.
So there was one time when i was sitting in the canteen crying cos i was petrified of vomitting, amongst other reasons, and lains almost cried too. cos she was scared i would throw up? that had to be it. How can i begin to describe how thankful i am that elaina foo is here with me? In my sickness and health, in good times and in bad literally- and we go through almost the same stages at the same time. So basically we can be delirously happy, unmoralistic and emo together. i love you laina.
and i can finally explain it. I think you used to love me on some days, some minutes of some days. but what you dont understand is that i love you EVERYDAY, every second.
Sometimes I feel so full of love, it just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see, I give it away so easily
But if I had someone, I would do anything
Never never never let you feel alone
I won't, I won't leave you on your own
Who am I to dream? Dreams are for fools
They let you down
Well I know that it's a wonderful world, but I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well, but I just wanna cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world, from the sky down to the sea
But I can only see when you're here, here with me
And I wish that I could make it better
I'd give anything for you to call me
Maybe just a little letter
Oh it could start again
i'll leave when i wanna; 10:00 AM
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
ORIENTATION IS ENDING TMR.
no more waking up at ungodly hours, running around like mad dog, cheering like mad cow and constantly having water and sand in my ass.
YES.
And i have holiday homework and NEW homework to complete in one day. Fantastic. Okay have to go collapse on my room floor. Its become a tradition. Oh and my class, t27, is damn cute.
"t27, we how cold?
DAMN COLD!!!"
Oh and i'm so getting over you. I'll fucking force myself to. Please watch me.
I can't sit back and wonder why
It took so long for this to die
And I hate it when you fake it
You can't hide it you might as well embrace it
So believe me it's not easy
It seems that something's telling me
I'm in too deep and I'm trying to keep
All the thoughts in my head
Instead of going under
i'll leave when i wanna; 11:09 PM
ORIENTATION IS ENDING TMR.
no more waking up at ungodly hours, running around like mad dog, cheering like mad cow and constantly having water and sand in my ass.
YES.
And i have holiday homework and NEW homework to complete in one day. Fantastic. Okay have to go collapse on my room floor. Its become a tradition. Oh and my class, t27, is damn cute.
"t27, we how cold?
DAMN COLD!!!"
Oh and i'm so getting over you. I'll fucking force myself to. Please watch me.
I can't sit back and wonder why
It took so long for this to die
And I hate it when you fake it
You can't hide it you might as well embrace it
So believe me it's not easy
It seems that something's telling me
I'm in too deep and I'm trying to keep
All the thoughts in my head
Instead of going under
i'll leave when i wanna; 11:09 PM
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
happy new year.
i foresee my disappearance soon. i cant keep up this habitual blogging.
but i've just made a new discovery: sometimes people would rather be depressed.(after discussion with bel) when you're happy, the days pass in a blur, and now that i look back (to when i had both/at least one of them)
i can barely remember anything.
but now that i'm relatively alone, and i spend my mornings in bed repeating depressing songs on my family's ipod, time slows down and i actually think and sort out my thoughts and feelings. would it be stupid if i chose this over you?
i dont know which 'you' already.
but of course(if only you absolutely want to), i would rather have you back.
Everytime I think of you
I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here
And you're miles away
And I wonder why you left
i'll leave when i wanna; 1:02 PM
happy new year.
i foresee my disappearance soon. i cant keep up this habitual blogging.
but i've just made a new discovery: sometimes people would rather be depressed.(after discussion with bel) when you're happy, the days pass in a blur, and now that i look back (to when i had both/at least one of them)
i can barely remember anything.
but now that i'm relatively alone, and i spend my mornings in bed repeating depressing songs on my family's ipod, time slows down and i actually think and sort out my thoughts and feelings. would it be stupid if i chose this over you?
i dont know which 'you' already.
but of course(if only you absolutely want to), i would rather have you back.
Everytime I think of you
I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here
And you're miles away
And I wonder why you left
i'll leave when i wanna; 1:02 PM
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
to lele: thanks for christmas morning. love you!
to jason: thanks for the christmas party! even though you were a seh host. and we were seh guests. later on.
to bel and jan: thanks for helping me eat the meat and not the plants. haha maybe i like the both of you. so bel, stop trying to use jan to make me jealous (:
to petpet!: you didnt come in the end! but i hope you had fun on christmas- tell you stuffs later.
to jas and laina: thanks for staying with me in the toilet. i am emetophobic and generally messed up. your presence calmed me.
sometimes you really need your friends, and somehow you do all sorts of shit to them for things that just arent worth it. but in the end when you're down and almost out, you see the same faces helping you back on your feet. can i say one last sorry.
Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
And I wished for things that I dont need(all I wanted)
And what I chased wont set me free(all I wanted)
And I get scared but Im not crawlin on my knees
Oh, yeah Everythings all wrong, yeah
Everythings all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?
And stranger than your sympathy
Take these things, so I dont feel
Im killing myself from the inside out
And now my heads been filled with doubt
Were taught to lead the life you choose(all I wanted)
You know your loves run out on you(all I wanted)
And you cant see when all your dreams arent coming true
Oh, yeah Its easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?
And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And Im not sure where I belong
And no wheres home and no more wrong
And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was
And I wouldnt be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me
i'll leave when i wanna; 5:34 PM
to lele: thanks for christmas morning. love you!
to jason: thanks for the christmas party! even though you were a seh host. and we were seh guests. later on.
to bel and jan: thanks for helping me eat the meat and not the plants. haha maybe i like the both of you. so bel, stop trying to use jan to make me jealous (:
to petpet!: you didnt come in the end! but i hope you had fun on christmas- tell you stuffs later.
to jas and laina: thanks for staying with me in the toilet. i am emetophobic and generally messed up. your presence calmed me.
sometimes you really need your friends, and somehow you do all sorts of shit to them for things that just arent worth it. but in the end when you're down and almost out, you see the same faces helping you back on your feet. can i say one last sorry.
Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
And I wished for things that I dont need(all I wanted)
And what I chased wont set me free(all I wanted)
And I get scared but Im not crawlin on my knees
Oh, yeah Everythings all wrong, yeah
Everythings all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?
And stranger than your sympathy
Take these things, so I dont feel
Im killing myself from the inside out
And now my heads been filled with doubt
Were taught to lead the life you choose(all I wanted)
You know your loves run out on you(all I wanted)
And you cant see when all your dreams arent coming true
Oh, yeah Its easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?
And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And Im not sure where I belong
And no wheres home and no more wrong
And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was
And I wouldnt be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me
i'll leave when i wanna; 5:34 PM
Monday, December 18, 2006
i'm back! [okay i belatedly realised that i forgot to mention i was going anywhere but, oh wells]
so i went to bintan. for ONE day. and it RAINED.
but in the few moments that it didnt, i managed to nearly kill myself a couple of times.
1) have you heard of banana boating. basically, you get dragged along by a lifeboat with a jet and you're sitting on this banana/hotdog thing. and you nearly fall off and die, because the objective of this ride [and they dont tell you this] is to throw you into the sea. i nearly drowned because i was too shocked to swim, i nearly choked to death cos i drank more saltwater then i drink normal water in a week, and my contacts tried to kill me too.
2) then my cousins started "riding waves". means stand in the water and let the waves push you later. during high tide so sometimes i fall down and cant stand up and nearly drown for a few seconds.
3) and i did archery. but this time the arrows were sharper and i was more dangerous with the bow [meaning i have no strength to pull it and i may hit instead my extended family or the instructor trying to guide me. he was trying.]
4) oh and it was a golf resort so each villa has a golf buggy. that was like our car. so everyone drives around in that. and the adults let us drive. thats how i nearly died the fourth time.
5) and lastly the fucking ferry. it started out like a rollercoaster. then it basically rocked to and fro and side to side. for the short span of one hour. where everyone around us puked. i plaintively REFUSED to puke as i am emetophobic [fear of vommiting] and hence i was still sea sick on land.
i played our new song on repeat but it couldnt calm me. guess my stomach knew what was coming in the later phonecall. i think you hurt me everyday.
but all in all i had fun. i love my famolee. CHRISTMAS EVE! cant wait.
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime she's on your mind
She's on your mind
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between
i'll leave when i wanna; 2:54 PM
i'm back! [okay i belatedly realised that i forgot to mention i was going anywhere but, oh wells]
so i went to bintan. for ONE day. and it RAINED.
but in the few moments that it didnt, i managed to nearly kill myself a couple of times.
1) have you heard of banana boating. basically, you get dragged along by a lifeboat with a jet and you're sitting on this banana/hotdog thing. and you nearly fall off and die, because the objective of this ride [and they dont tell you this] is to throw you into the sea. i nearly drowned because i was too shocked to swim, i nearly choked to death cos i drank more saltwater then i drink normal water in a week, and my contacts tried to kill me too.
2) then my cousins started "riding waves". means stand in the water and let the waves push you later. during high tide so sometimes i fall down and cant stand up and nearly drown for a few seconds.
3) and i did archery. but this time the arrows were sharper and i was more dangerous with the bow [meaning i have no strength to pull it and i may hit instead my extended family or the instructor trying to guide me. he was trying.]
4) oh and it was a golf resort so each villa has a golf buggy. that was like our car. so everyone drives around in that. and the adults let us drive. thats how i nearly died the fourth time.
5) and lastly the fucking ferry. it started out like a rollercoaster. then it basically rocked to and fro and side to side. for the short span of one hour. where everyone around us puked. i plaintively REFUSED to puke as i am emetophobic [fear of vommiting] and hence i was still sea sick on land.
i played our new song on repeat but it couldnt calm me. guess my stomach knew what was coming in the later phonecall. i think you hurt me everyday.
but all in all i had fun. i love my famolee. CHRISTMAS EVE! cant wait.
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime she's on your mind
She's on your mind
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between
i'll leave when i wanna; 2:54 PM
Friday, December 15, 2006
sometimes you're sobbing your heart out, do you suddenly stop and wonder what you were crying about? you begin to suspect you're only depressed about the idea of being depressed- i'm glad for the end of that almost childish, mindless phrase. i'm thankful for the tranquility in this newfound numbness. you're back- in every sense of the word.
If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate
Oh, oh, be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh, be my baby
I'll look after you
and its curious how cool people are idolised, when upon scrutiny they are dorks at heart, pernerds in bed and professors in the making. you write your thesis, darling, and i'll plan my fashion spread. one day we'll be famous. and you'll still be my everything- for all the things you do for me.
Here now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down
i'll leave when i wanna; 12:49 PM
sometimes you're sobbing your heart out, do you suddenly stop and wonder what you were crying about? you begin to suspect you're only depressed about the idea of being depressed- i'm glad for the end of that almost childish, mindless phrase. i'm thankful for the tranquility in this newfound numbness. you're back- in every sense of the word.
If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate
Oh, oh, be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh, be my baby
I'll look after you
and its curious how cool people are idolised, when upon scrutiny they are dorks at heart, pernerds in bed and professors in the making. you write your thesis, darling, and i'll plan my fashion spread. one day we'll be famous. and you'll still be my everything- for all the things you do for me.
Here now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down
i'll leave when i wanna; 12:49 PM